Are You Proud?
by dong-chun-mei
Summary: You did this to me! I'm exactly as you wanted me to be. So tell me. I need to know. Are you Proud? MingMing's P.O.V. Rated for Swearing.


Rose: Where did this come from?

Rina: ...

Rose: What's up with you?? Cat got your tongue??

Rina: ...

Rose: Ahh... are you okay??

Rina: ...Go away...

Rose: O.O... okay... okay...

Rina: No spell check, live with it, don't own beyblade, but who really cares?

I don't care if i get reviews for this or if I'm snubbed into the ground about it...

Feel free not to read...

MingMing's P.O.V...

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I just want to move forward, why can't everyone just see that??

Why can't they just see that I... I want to be left alone! I don't care what people see on the outside any longer.

It's just an act is it?! It's all an act!! But why say that? I'm only screaming it into nothingness after all... There's nothing there but air...

There's nothing there, NOTHING!!!

Maybe if I yell it loud enough, I'll choak on that very air I need to live.

No.. that would be the easy way out. Ending it all is a coward's way.

I'll suffer through it, I'll suffer through it all...

Will you be proud of me then you fucking bastard?! WILL YOU?!

I doubt that... I doubt that with my very life.

Heh! Yet another coward's calling... I'll run in the opposite direction thank-you very much...

But, what am I running from really?? What am I running to? More heartache? Another promise for me to blindly trust? Another path for me to stumble down in the darkness?

Blind... I didn't know how fucking blind I was until that day...

I repeat it in my mind every so often just to torture myself too... Maybe a little too often...

But it feels so wonderful to reopen wounds... oh... so wonderful... to let that red, red blood seep from the cuts...

Red, oh so, so red... I want to see you more... more... MORE!!!!

Yeah... I'm crazy. I've known that for quiet sometime... It doesn't bother me though, I love my insanity...

That quiet insanity that lurks in my heart... my mind... and powers me on...

Power... oh how I love it! Strength is my bible... though deep down I have none...

An image, that's all I am...

Some pretty little bubblegum princess for people to use...

And I don't even fight back...

I let them all stretch me to the thinest, no... I crave for them to do this...

And I remember them... I remember every damned shithead who have abused me, used me and it feels... it feels...

How can it feel like anything when I've stopped feeling years ago...

The numbness isn't even there any more...

I'm watching myself in one of those old black and white movies, the silent ones...

The ones where you can see everything, and think you feel for its characters, while all along you're safely tucked away at home on your sofa.

And you can turn it off when you want to!! Isn't that great?!

I can turn myself off just like that, and put on that cheery, sickening little smile everyone so loves...

Everyone, but me...

That little bubblegum brat isn't the real me...

Like I said... It's just an image...

IT'S A FUCKING IMAGE!!!

So why hide the real me?? Why, when I tell other girls to live their lives to the fullest and strive for what they want?

Because it's easy...

There's nothing to putting on a mask, brightening up a paint covered face and donning a pretty wittle dress that puffs out like a too-too.

It's so simple...

So much more simple than letting that perfect cage I've built around me break...

Oh-no... I wouldn't want that damn wall to crack would I?

That would mean I was opening up to someone... something, I said I would never do, and I always keep my word... always...

So the real me stays locked away, shackled in the dead space that once held a heart.

Yeah... the little sugarpop princess is a heartless bitch...

Surprised yet??

And still, I'm wondering, are you proud of me yet?

Are you looking at me right now?

Can you see me still crawling forward after all you did to me? After you left me out in the cold to die slowly inside?

Do you see my accomplishments? What about the people I've trampled on to get to the top?? Do you see them??

Or are you too terrified to look because they're nothing but useless tools? Do they remind you of a younger, blinded me??

Do I remind you of the heatless bastard you are now??

Am I cold enough? Have I left enough people to die slowly inside as you did me??

Are you proud??

'ARE YOU PROUD OF ME YET?!' I didn't recieve an answer back then, so why in the hell did I think I would now?

So many questions... too many questions... and no answers...

NO FUCKING ANSWERS!!

I'm killing myself here and there's nothing...

_Straighten up you idiot... Your mask is cracking... your wall is coming down... don't let them... don't let them break... _

And I listen... I always listen to the voice... It's the real me after all... my beloved insanity...

And I'll continue to float through this living hell you have made my life...

After all, you're the one who created me...

I'm going to eventually follow the path you've laid for me... even if I fight my way from it every so often...

I'm only you tool... isn't that what you said?

So I'll live up to what you've made of me... I'm follow your hidden directions even now...

My life isn't my own... it never was...

Even as a total stranger to me, the momories I have of you are enough to keep me from straying...

I've pullen myself back together time and time again...

But I haven't truely fixed myself... I cann't even say I know how too...

It's just ducktape and rope holding me together... nothing more...

So what are you waiting for?

Come yank away that which holds me together and leave me in a broken huddle once more.

I dare you too you son of a bitch...

Maybe this time, I won't be the only one dying...

Because it only takes so long, before the real me takes over completely, and that bubblegum brat becomes nothing but another person for me to tromple on.

Nothing... once again...

I remember every person who ever used me...

That I've already said...

But it's YOU! It's you... I remember the most...

And still I wonder...

I'm dying even more to know...

Are you proud of me yet??

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If you haven't made sense of this yet, you're not likely too...

You have to have been throwing into this situation to have figured out where I'm coming from.

All I really did was rant on about something that had been eating me up for a while and stuck a character into it.

Now you know what goes on in what seems like a sane mind...

It's always the normal ones who have the most secrets... the most demons...

Well... maybe now... you'll understand me a little. But I've only scraped the surface of the deep whole I'm crawling out off...

Do you dare go any farther??

Are you creeped out yet? You should be...

This is for Mikaera and Lamanth, because they're only ones I've found in this screwed up world that may have a small grasp on where I'm coming from.

This is also for the bastard who did this to me. May you rot in hell...

Dong-Chun-Mei

(Okay, so how many people think I'm crazy now? lol joking)


End file.
